Hard days

I see that I last posted 7 weeks ago.  And I meant to post more often.  But things have been hard.

I have resisted putting this out there, because it seems like such a private thing, but I really need a place to write down my thoughts.

Three weeks ago my sister brought my dad home to live in her house under hospice care.  He was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer back in August, and in January it was determined that he had "days to weeks" left.  So my sister selflessly took him into her home, to spend his last days in a warm, caring home, with a great view.  Both of my sisters and I (and our husbands and kids) have pretty much put our lives on hold caring for my dad.  He has care during the day from a caregiver for the basic stuff, but one of us is always there for whatever else arises.  I'm being vague on purpose.

And it's hard.  Really really hard and it sucks.  He's doing rather well, considering, which is also hard.  It's hard waiting for someone to die.  It's hard watching him die.  It's hard having no normalcy or routine.  It's hard not knowing when "it" is going to happen.  It's hard to not be able to schedule anything in the next month.  Or the next three months.  Or?  It's hard to visit funeral homes to make arrangements for his death when he's still alive.

I miss my kids, and my husband, and my job, and going to the park and out for dinner.  I miss cooking.  I miss training for the Bay to Breakers.  I miss my cat who died in August.

So I'm just cranky and complainy and really looking for the bright side when I basically just want to walk out the door and get on a plane to somewhere.  Since this is my blog, I'm going to complain here.  More.  Feel free to not read on.

Comments

[Fatemeh]

Oh, Molly... I am so incredibly sorry. There is NOTHING anyone can say to make this easier.

Having just gone through this, I think the only thing you can do is what you're doing -- making it easier for HIM to say goodbye, and with peace.

Please, please, please call if there is anything I can do. I'm sending you love and thoughts.

[Alice]

Molly,

You are brave and strong for being able to open up. I am so sorry to hear about your father, but the care, love, and warmth you provide is special, esp. at this difficult time. There will be more days in the park, more dinners, and more Bay to Breakers, no matter how far they might seem now. And when those come, I'm sure you will enjoy them more, knowing that you did everything you can for your father when you could...

Lots of love to you! I miss your cheery laugh all the time!

[Chris]

I miss Mr. Bees too.

I love you.

[jen maiser]

Thinking of you, Molly. And complain on -- we'll be here to listen. xo

[KJ]

My husband died at home. I took care of him with the help of hospice. The people who do hospice work are full of grace. I learned much, but two things most of all - first, what is important in life is the love you give and the love you receive, and second, let your grief guide you. Do not worry about complaining, that is perfectly acceptable, as is being mad, missing stability, crying, laughing, listening to sappy songs, or whatever it is your spirit guides you to at the moment so long as it is not self-destructive. Keep a box of tissues nearby and don't ever forget love is what is important.

[Madeline Osborne]

Hi!
We've been there. My husband's father died about 10 days ago, after a fairly short (1 month) but extreeemely intense month and an even more intense final week in a hospice. He's just landed at Seattle Airport for the 3rd time in the last month for the services Monday. Our lives have been this very strange, distorted type of Twilight Zone time warp, where you can't make plans, don't know what to do or which way to turn, and have this gawdawful disinterest in almost everything...

Hang in there.
A lot of us can sympathize, and we'll be here when you ARE ready to pick up and excite our tastebuds with your writing again.
I'm dieting right now, and can only enjoy some of your adventures vicariously, but you sure do keep my salivary glands productive!

Have a peaceful weekend.
~Kizzle